My Wife Is Banned From Buying Real Plants

She’s a plant murderer. Take my testimony and don’t ever let her trick you into buying her more plants. EVERY time, she will convince herself, then try to convince me that THIS plant will live, THIS plant is low maintenance, THIS plant needs to be in the right corner of the dining room we only use for Christmas dinners. She’s managed to kill Cacti and bamboo. And I don’t know if you know this, but those plants are exceptionally hard to kill… but my determined wife, she can kill ANYTHING (in the plant world).

Her co-worker has a green thumb and has given her two fruit plants to plant in our big yard; we’ve also been given two other fruit trees that were vivacious and green when we got them. Can you guess how many fruit trees we have in our yard? Let’s just say, the only fruit that enters our house is from Publix Supermarket.

My wife is amazingly talented, don’t get me wrong, she could breastfeed the baby, amidst chefing up a five course meal for me, while Face-Timing every member of her family at once, but she could go MONTHS without giving a drip of water to any of her plants. I’ve taken on the roll of the Plant Caretaker and Plant Disposal Manager but I’d like to retire from those positions someday.

Our house is a beautiful blend of faux and real plants, but I hope, one day, our house will be 100% faux. Sorry fresh, purifying air, health improving greenery… you do not belong in our house… it’s a death sentence. Luckily, she’s stumbled upon a few places that make faux plants for the people not qualified to raise real plants such as herself.


5 Places To Find Fake Plants That Look Real:

1. Click & Grow

No one actually got to see Dana’s first indoor herb garden that crashed and burned. She was obsessed with making another one but then we found Click & Grow. Okay, so their plants aren’t fake, but their slogan and products are literally perfect for those bad plant caretakers, “Do less, grow more.” This smart sleek looking garden takes zero effort. You plug it in, fill the tank, and it takes care of itself! Gotta love an independent plant.

2. Michael’s

I remember when she first emailed me about this plant she HAD to have from Michaels. She finally got notified it was in stock and picked it up that very moment. This plant tricks everyone including her garden-loving-grandma. It does look pretty real, but the best part… it won’t die.

Thank you to her best friend for reviving these guys… they were two shades away from dead.

3. Overstock

Finding deals on overstock is easy, especially when you sign up for emails and get weekly coupons. I think Dana uses every single coupon every single week for whatever silk made flower she’s in the mood for.

4. Amazon

Before she killed 70% of them, she ordered about 20 succulents from Amazon. All different kinds too! However, they have a wide selection of fake plants that look real which she’s managed to fill each room with. And getting it in two days is always a plus for my impatient wife.

5. Target

I had Pia in the cart browsing through the aisles when we heard a tiny scream about two aisles down. I thought she tripped or dropped something and we needed to come rescue her very clumsy self. It was nothing of that sort; she actually found tiny fake succulents that looked similar to her dead ones before they took the inevitable plunge. For $2 a succulent she nearly lost her shit.

She puts real dirt in the fake plant pots, it’s hilarious.


Do you have any tips to keeping plants alive? Or know of any low maintenance house plants?


P.S. More home decor pictures, including a DIY Kitchen Reno and chic baby room.